Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
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1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Look at this
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.