Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
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Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Perfection.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.