I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
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My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”