put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
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What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.