People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
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That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.