Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
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me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Oh yeah that’s it
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.