When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
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My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached