I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
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i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
i baked you a cake
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I’m tired tomorrow.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.