I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
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Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.