Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
You Might Also Like
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Taking phone security to the next level.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.