What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
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The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.