One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
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Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels