Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
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I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
The glockness monster
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.