I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
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[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day