Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
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My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Social Media and Real life
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family