Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
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I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.