[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
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A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see