Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
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This one’s “Alex”.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
How all things should be taught/explained.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.