How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
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The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Hit me in the face with a bird