Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
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a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Room with a view.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI