[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
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Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
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If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain