Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
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The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words