WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
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Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!