waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
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If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
#SuperBowl
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice