My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
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Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?