wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
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I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Saturday
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.