Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
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My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Social Media and Real life
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?