Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
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I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
handsome & gretel
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.