I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
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{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Why is everyone getting married at me
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Midwest trash talk
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Hello Twits.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.