And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
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Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*