[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
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Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Mornin
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.