Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
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Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
how much for the angry fruit?
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.