BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
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i wish i could marry a nap
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages