[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
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I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.