*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
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Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA