“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
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HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
huge valentines day plans this year!!
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
how long have you had this for?
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too