My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
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This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.