“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
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Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
My work here is done
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.