[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
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Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.