Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
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Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.