Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
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*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it