if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
You Might Also Like
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.