A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
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For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
When your best mate counts as a desk too
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????