“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
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Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
#ProTip
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.