Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
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I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen