Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
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Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶