Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
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i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips