i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
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Um … Hot Wings please
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.