Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
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My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
every single time
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
meanwhile over on facebook
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
We have a winner.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.