I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
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tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.